What are High Conflict Family Matters?

 

High Conflict Family Matters refer to a range of unresolved issues, disagreements and arguements that create a great deal of antipathy, hostility and resentment between a couple, family or co-parents. These conflicts are generally a result of separation and divorce matters that involve finances, children's welfare and living arrangements. When trying to find understanding, solutions and agreements towards a well-balanced outcome for all parties (especially the children), the individual, couple or family struggle with emotional and psychological restraints that prevent them from negotiating reasonable, logical and amicable solutions. If these conflicts involve a difference of opinion, values and beliefs in a co-parenting situation and have no family violence allegations or orders attached then much can be done to help. We can assist you and your co-parent to develop the skills and understanding required to co-parent in a healthy child focused and amicable manner. (Please click the link for further information about New Ways to Families Counselling Course available with us.

https://www.parentalalienationconsultant.com/service-page/nwf6-individual-counselling-sessions?referral=service_list_widget

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Unfortunately some high conflict family matters involve allegations of abuse, family violence or mental health problems. Allegations must be taken seriously and it is the legal and court system's duty to make determinations from the evidence as to whether these allegations have merit or not. Often Psychologists, Psychiatrists, Counsellors, Social Workers and other Mental Health or Social Science professions are engaged to help determine if these allegations are real and contribute to the High Conflict Family Dynamics. 

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In some cases abuse and family violence are the reason or cause of the High Conflict dynamics in a family. However, more than often the main factors contributing to High Conflict Family Dynamics are due to the difficult personality structures and erroneous behavious of one or more of the family members. These behaviours can be overt or covert and eventually wear down the family unit. Usually there is a lack of insight into how these behaviours negatively affect the family. Eventually the family unit falls apart and there is little or no capacity to find any healthy resolve.

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Erroneous behaviours from high conflict individuals or family members can become extremely toxic during separation and divorce. Some of these toxic and negative behaviours can be weaponized by a parent/s and/or family members in an attempt to rupture or sever the other parents' and/or family members' relationship with the children. Often this is done by using false or misleading accusations of abuse, neglect or violence against the targeted/rejected parent, by the alienating/favoured parent and/or family members. This harmful dynamic fuel's the high conflict situation further and generally ends up in bitter and expensive legal battles and even criminal behaviour. When one parent uses these pernicious strategies against another parent it is deemed child psychological abuse, family violence, undue influence, and parental alienation.

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What is Parental Alienation?

Parental Alienation is the psychological manipulation of a child by one parent into rejecting or creating unwarranted fear for the other parent.

 

Prior to separation or divorce the child had a healthy and loving relationship with the parent who they now alienate, reject, and resist or refuse to engage with. Unfortunately PA can be instigated, not only by the other parent, but, by other family members, or by unenlightened professionals.

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The loss of relationship and access to a child through parental alienation is one of the most traumatic experiences for a child and targeted/rejected parent. PA is a confusing dilemma, or loyalty conflict, for a child and is a form of psychological abuse and family violence towards the child and the targeted/rejected parent. Evidence shows parental alienation has lasting adverse psychological effects on both the child and the targeted parent. 

 

What Is Justified Estrangement?

 

Justified estrangement refers to a child’s rejection of a parent for valid or justified reasons. That is, the child's rejection is a consequence of a parent’s history of family violence, abuse or neglect. A history of family violence usually involves police, an AVO (DVO), domestic violence services, a conviction, or at least some evidence, record or witness that these acts occured. It has usually gone on in the family for a long period of time and may have started before or during the marriage/cohabitation and prior to children. Children who witness family violence or are victims of abuse or neglect may estrange themselves due to fear or lack of trust for that parent. However, these children often don't alienate even the most abusive parents but rather are willing to have supervised contact and to work with therapists and familiy to support their own recovery and the recovery of their parent (if possible). These children often go on to learn healthy boundaries that possitively empower them for future relationships and life .

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What Is Unjustified Estrangement?

 

In contrast to justified estrangement, unjustified estrangement is where a child rejects, refuses, resists or alienates a parent for no valid or good reason. Parental alienation is unjustified estrangement. It rarely involves the kind of family violence involved in justified estrangement but often presents with acusations of family violence just before or just after separation. These accusations or false misrepresentations eventually prove to have little or no evidence, record or witness. However, they cause major havoc, disruption, and shear terror for the targeted parent, and incredible anxiety, loyalty conflict, and serious psychological harm to children. This is a form of family violence which is covert, manipulative and extremely dangerous for all who tread in its path.

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How Does Alienation Present?

 

Alienation often presents when a rejected parent turns to the legal system and/or the mental health arena for support and understanding of what they experience as false allegations, misrepresentations and unwarranted fears of them by their ex-partner and/or their children. The rejected, or targeted, parent is often in disbelief, shock and horror at these allegations. The grief they feel from the loss of relationship with their child/children, and the anger and disbelief at the high conflict interactions between their ex-partner, is palpable and frequently presents to all as defensiveness and dysregulation, instead of complex and deep trauma symptoms.

 

Alienated children often respond to their favoured parent's anxious and hostile behaviours towards the now rejected parent by emulating them. That is, the child responds to their favoured parents' perceived threat as a sympathetic nervous system response "fight, flight or freeze". The alienating parent's reaction to the child's mirroring behaviour (a fear they actually caused) is to console the child by attributing the fear to the targeted or rejected parent.

For example: The alienating parent might say to the child ......."I can't believe it !Dad/Mum is now taking me to court and wants to take you away from me. He/she is trying to take all the money! We will have nothing and no home. I don't understand why he/she is doing this. The child is then genuinely shocked by this statement. In an attempt to further console the child the alienating parent may say...."I'm so sorry dad/mum is making you so upset. I don't want you to be scared. This is between me and your dad/mum. I will always do my best to protect you " .

 

The example above of inappropriate and often inaccurate disclosure forces a child to be exposed to complex adult matters. Developmentally children have little psychological capacity to reconcile 'the truth' from a parent. This pressure to 'choose' puts the child in a dilemma. They become cognitively dissonant, find themselves in a loyalty conflict with their parents and finally "choose" to protect their psychological safety . Unhealthy enmeshment with the alienating parent is often the result. It will stunt the child's ability to develop critical thinking skills and to individuate. Children may be infantilised (kept in an infant state) or falsely empowered (parentified and adultified) by enmeshment which damages the child's capacity to form healthy functioning relationships. Unfortunately, family, friends, professionals, and society frequently become blindsided by this deeply maladaptive and deceptive form of family violence and child psychological abuse! 

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What Can Be Done?

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Consulting, Counselling or Coaching:  Your situation may require a psychoeducation, specialist strategies and/or coping mechanisms to navigate through your High Conflict (HC) or Parental Alienation (PA) circumstances. Together we will explore educational and counselling programs unique to a HC situation or PA case. We will also look at communication methods for working with your ex-partner (or the favoured parent), and parent coaching for HC and PA cases pre or post parenting agreements. If your case is in court, or heading that way, I can assist you in preparation for a family therapist, familiy consultant, or in legal preparation assessing for a 'best interest of the children' or 'alienation' case. Together we will find clear pathways for what you can change, and an understanding, acceptance and resolve for what you cannot.

 

Mental Health Consulting for Parental Alienation: I can assist you to work with your lawyer or to find a lawyer and experts who are familiar with PA.  That is; to consult in the background of your case with you and/or colloboratively with your lawyers, and independenant experts.

 

Family Therapy Specialising in High Conflict Divorce:  If court appointed as a Family Therapist (reportable therapy) or as a private therapist appointed by one (or preferably both) parents, my work will assist the family (and courts) to seek understanding and resolution of any dysfunction or negative patterns that stop the family from co-parenting in a healthy child focussed manner.

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Court Ordered Remdiation Workshop (FBAC): As part of a fully trianed remediation team lead by Dr Stan Korosi, we can assess your case suitability for a court ordered Family Bridges Workshop for alienated children.(FBAC).  https://dialogueingrowth.com.au/about-2/about/

Coming Soon: Reportable Intensive Family Remediation (RIFR) as an alternative to FBAC court orders.

NB: To find out more about these service please send me a contact form